


so the fates decreed

by superstarrgirl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Suicide, and haz and lou is unrequited love, another dead/dying niall, it doesn't really make sense more just my ramblings and boredom, it's basically four letters to the four boys after niall has committed suicide, niall and zany maybe are in love, talk of the fates and a little of the supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superstarrgirl/pseuds/superstarrgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Did you see my fate written in the cards? I bet you wish you had.'</p><p>Or, </p><p>Niall leaves, and only four notes are left behind</p>
            </blockquote>





	so the fates decreed

**Author's Note:**

> Again. I'm sorry. Maybe the next thing i write will be happy?

Louis – 

I should have probably said this sooner, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I love ya man. I just, really, really love you. You’re my best friend, and I’m so glad that if I could be put in a band with someone, it was you. I hope you don’t get this letter too late, or if you even get it at all. Actually, I kinda hope you don’t get it. Well, no, I want you to get it, because maybe it’ll help you move on. Because you have to. Even if I have to appear from the Underworld and kick your ass into gear, you’re going to move on. Maybe I just want you to get the letter when the deed is done – that way, you won’t try to undo what’s been done. We all know that’s what Liam’s going to do when he gets his note. 

You’ll hate me, I know you will. I wish you wouldn’t, but that’s just who you are. I’m allowed to be honest with you, now, because I won’t be around for you to yell at. Louis, you are an asshole, there’s no denying it. You’re going to hate me for months, maybe even years, because I left and you can’t change that and you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye. Don’t worry about that, none of the other boys did either. You’re going to hate me, I get that. And you’re going to shut down, block everyone else out, become cocooned in your thoughts of, ‘could I have changed it, could I have saved him, blah-blah-blah.’ I’m going to tell you right now that, no, you couldn’t have saved me. 

You’ll lock down and go on autopilot – that’s what you did when your grandmother died – and you’ll disappear, go right off the grid. That’s what you do, and I think the other boys will expect it. But do me a favor? Once you’ve grieved and whatever, go back to them? They need ya, Lou. You’re the rock, the anchor, the one we can always count on when everything else is going to hell. You’ll keep them safe; they need you more than they ever needed me.

No one’s ever really needed me, and you and I both know it. I was the dead weight, the extra; I had nothing to give the band. I was just there, just existing. I occupied space that could have been given to someone else. I’m sorry that you boys got stuck in a band with me – there were so many other more talented people that would have made the band better. I’m sorry. 

Alright man, keep it real, won’t ya? I’ll miss ya, stay strong, and see ya soon. 

Lots of love,  
Niall  
P.S. I want you to keep my guitars, and I want you to keep practicing – you’ll get there one day, I promise. And when you do, I’m gonna be damn sorry I missed it. 

//

Dear Liam, 

Do you remember when we shot ‘Story of My Life’ in that room with all the pictures and stuff? And we got to see each other as little fat porky kids playing violin or with our baby sisters or parents and family? Do you remember what we said? 

‘We’ve kind of lived our lives in sync’?

I remember that. I always thought that was a cheesy thing to say, but now that I’m sitting here and writing this note, I realize that yeah, maybe we have. We were all outcasts for being different in one way or another – Zayn liked art more than sport, Harry always had so much energy and happiness he almost exploded with it, Louis was the loud, flamboyant one trying to cover up a life of loneliness by putting on a mask, you were teased and bullied and I was always sent out of classrooms for being disruptive. We lived our lives as outcasts and we did that kind of together. 

Auditioning for X-Factor was something I had always tossed around in the back of my mind, mainly as a joke. Never did I think, in a million years, that any of this crazy stuff would happen – the band, the fans, the tours and the albums and the books and everything else. That was never even on the cards. I just kinda did it to get out of school for a little while. You auditioned once and didn’t get in, yet you came back. Harry barely made the age cut. Zayn didn’t want to do it, didn’t even want to get out of bed that morning. Louis totally butchered that Plain White Tees song – not gonna lie, we all know it’s true – but somehow we all got accepted, went through to boot camp and were stuck in a band together. 

Can you imagine how different we’d all be if like, Zayn didn’t get out of bed or they sent me home for sucking? 

Anyway. I’m just writing this for a couple of reasons. One, to apologize. I’m sorry for leaving you boys behind, but I’m not sorry for what I’m gonna do. I won’t regret my actions. I just…with the band being broken up, I always feel lonely and I’m not sure what to do about it. You always said drastic actions like this weren’t the answer – superhero that you are – but for some reason this just feels right. Like, I should do it. Death is a sweet release. 

The second reason is to say thank you. Thank you for being my hero, my best friend, my brother, my confidant, my bandmate. Thank you for singing alongside me and writing songs with me and getting drunk with me. Thank you for just being there and for just existing when I needed you to. I’m sorry that I won’t be there for a One Direction reunion concert, but I hope you guys will make up for my absence. 

I love you, Liam,   
Niall.

//

Hazza, 

There’s no excusing what I’ve done, I know that. Or, am about to do. I don’t know, I was never good at grammar. I didn’t mean to hurt you or any of the boys. I just feel so lonely all of the time, like I’m drowning in my own sadness, like I’m being suffocated. You know what it’s like, to be suppressed by sadness and bitterness. I know you do – I saw the way you looked at Louis and how he never looked back quite right. That always made me sad, seeing the way you stared at him like he was a god. I really shouldn’t be talking about this from the grave, but whatever. 

I won’t write you a long letter, because I don’t think I could handle it. I just hope that when the funeral is over, you boys will at least try to reconnect for my sake. Give Lou time, though. He’ll be breakable; he’ll be snappy and waspish. Give him space and time, he’ll come round. 

I do have one request though. Actually, two. I want you to keep my Obama doll. I hope it’ll be a reminder of me. And secondly, I want you to get a tattoo for me, even though once the band broke up you swore you’d never get another one. I don’t care if it’s the Irish flag or a guitar or something, I just want you to get a small one so that you can look down and go, ‘oh yeah, Niall, I remember him. He was my best mate.’ I don’t want to be remembered for my death, Haz. I don’t want to be remembered for my sadness and the scars I never let show. I want to be remembered for making music and playing guitar and making four boys and thousands of girls smile. I want to be remembered for being Niall, at least in your eyes. I hope that tattoo reminds you of that. 

Keep breathing, Haz. It’ll get better – it didn’t for me, but it will for you.  
Love, Niall  
P.S. actually, get an American flag tattoo!

//

Zaynie, 

I was actually putting off writing your letter, because I knew it was going to be the worst and hardest to write. You were always my favorite in the band, but you can’t tell anyone that. Louis will probably dive into the Underworld and kill me. Again. That’s not funny, Niall. Stop it. 

Remember when we celebrated eid together? I didn’t know what it was, still don’t really, but I remember how happy you looked when I told you we were going out. I remember how freely you talked about your religion, and I wish you hadn’t stopped doing that, because I loved listening to you talk about it. Anyone within a ten-mile radius would have loved listening to you talk about it. 

Zaynie, I missed you, more than I missed the others. I know I could have called, but that didn’t seem right, didn’t seem like it could have filled up the empty spaces, the chunks of time we’ve missed. We used to live in each other’s pockets, the five of us. Camping, huddling together on the couch, eating together, everything. You promised me that it would never change, but it did. Once the band fell apart after so many hits and tumbles, so many undoable mistakes, we stayed in contact for a while, met for lunch, remained the five best friends who once conquered the world. But then Louis stopped calling, Liam had the baby, Harry started looking so tired and weary, even you fell away. I felt like I was watching my family disappear, and it broke me. Like I was holding onto sand and watching it disappear through splayed fingers. It hurt. A lot. 

Maybe this was a long time coming, me doing what I’ve done. Jesus, I can’t even put a name to it, can’t even write it down. That makes it seem so real, doesn’t it? Permanent. I’m not afraid of death, Zayn. I never have been. I know you are, you’re afraid of life after death, of what it holds. I’m not. I’ve never been afraid of death. I’ve never been afraid of the inevitable, but you have. Maybe that’s why we got on so well – you taught me to fear the unknown and in the same breath I taught you to love it, love the rush of the unforeseeable. 

Maybe this was inevitable, maybe it was always written this way, maybe this is what the Fates decreed. You’re a big believer in fate, aren’t you? 

Did you think, when you woke up that morning at 17 and dragged yourself to X-Factor, did you think that this would all happen? Did you see the fate of the band falling apart, breaking at the seams when we finally touched the sky?

Did you see my fate written in the cards? I bet you wished you had.

I’m sorry, Zayn. I love you, I’ll always love you, and I’ll be watching. Keep ‘em safe, won’t you? And don’t fear the inevitable. Welcome it. Welcome life and pain. Welcome death. 

So, so much love,   
Niall.


End file.
